A Guest

Do you feel harried? Taken for granted? Like you never have enough time in the day to get everything done that needs to get done, let alone anything that you actually want to do?

Today, we have a guest in "My Quiet Corner" that just may be able to provide a bit of perspective on these questions. What an opportunity it has been to "meet" Sheila and correspond with her not only about the books she has written, but also on a personal level regarding similar circumstances we have each faced.

I asked Sheila some questions regarding her book "To Love, Honor and Vacuum: When you feel more like a maid than a wife and a mother. It was written to help women find peace in the midst of their hectic lives, even if their circumstances never change. By prioritizing relationships and fostering responsibility and respect in all family members, she’ll feel more appreciated, less harried, and more fulfilled.

You will find my questions and her responses below. Don't miss the end where Sheila shares with us how to win a number of her books and audio recordings. What Fun!!!

1. What, in your own life, prompted you to write this book?
When my kids were about 1 and 3 I spent my life with banana mash on my sweatshirt, dried play-doh on the bottom of my socks, and constant piles of laundry everywhere in the apartment. My husband was in training to be a pediatrician, and was hardly ever home. I felt completely exhausted!

But at the same time two of my close friends were going through something similar, but with a more sinister side. Their husbands, you see, totally took them for granted. They never helped with the kids; they never picked up their dirty socks; they never said thank you. And, at the end of the day, you know what they wanted? Of course you do.

But here's the issue: these women never made any changes themselves which would have helped them find contentment. And as I started thinking about that, I started to realize that I wasn't doing such a great job, either. So I wrote To Love, Honor and Vacuum for two groups of women: those like my friends Diane and Sara who needed some help in their marriages, and those like me who were just run ragged. How do you turn your life around so that you can start to really enjoy being a mom, instead of being drained by it? And how do you make sure that your kids and your husband respect you and act responsibly, as well? Those were the questions I wanted to answer.

2. What pressures in society put extra expectations on mothers? Do you think the media plays an additional role in these?
You betcha! Have you ever picked up a Martha Stewart magazine? I often read them and dream and then two weeks later feel guilty because I didn't want to go pick pinecones and spraypaint them gold for a fancy table centerpiece. It just isn't my thing.

But an interesting thing has been happening with our homes since 1970. They've grown. Big. And then bigger. Our average house size has doubled, which means there's a lot more to clean! And so our homes have become status symbols in a way they weren't before.

It's not just that, either. Every week the media has a new warning out. When my kids were little it was Venetian blinds. It turns out they may have a chemical in them which can make kids hyper. Well, we had Venetian blinds on every window in our little apartment, and no money for anything else. Boy, did I feel guilty about that one! Now it's car seats until they're 8, or making sure they get enough exercise even though we can't send them to the park by themselves. It's helping them with the science projects so that you can build a little working model of the space shuttle in grade 4. It's really quite ridiculous, actually.

If you think about it, it makes sense. Magazines and TV shows have to get you to read them, and the only way to do that is to make things seem "new" or "vitally important". So we get constant new warnings and new expectations on us. And even Christian magazines are guilty of this! But it doesn't mean these things really are important. Do you know what really matters? Hugging our kids. Praying with them. Having time at home to do absolutely nothing so we can read together, or sing together, or do hobbies while we're all sitting in the same room. That's what they're going to remember. So don't let magazines set your standards. Let God, and all He wants is that you walk beside your kids and breathe into their lives. I really don't think He's paranoid about your table centerpieces or their science projects!

3. In your opinion, what is the role of an allowance as it relates to children helping with housework? Should the allowance be tied to the work? Do you have certain guidelines to follow when giving an allowance?
I love allowances. They are a great tool for getting kids to stop complaining!

I know not all parents want to tie allowances to chores, because they think the kids should be doing chores regardless. I'm sympathetic to that viewpoint, but my problem is I don't have a large attention span and if I can kill two birds with one stone I'm going to do it. So that's why I like using allowance for chores.

I don't think kids should get money just for being our kids. That's not how the world works. They should get money for working. So at 3, we started an allowance system. I go over it in detail in To Love, Honor and Vacuum, but basically they have to do a set of chores, and then they get their money, which they have to divide up between charity (10%), spend (which is usually chocolate, 30%), short term savings (30%), and finally university or move out money (30%).

But the whole thing will only work if you follow this most important rule: never ever ever buy your kids anything except for birthdays and Christmas. If you're out and they want a chocolate bar, ask them if they have their allowance. If they want a toy, ask them if they've saved the money. You have to make them want their allowance, and if you're always dipping into your own wallet anyway, it gives them no incentive. In fact, if you do it this way, allowances can even save you money! My daughters have quite a nest egg put away already for when they move out, since they've been saving since they were 3, and they like watching it grow. And my oldest daughter recently gave away $50 from her save jar to a little girl we know who has terminal brain cancer. That made me very proud, because she's also learning the importance of giving. But that can only happen when they have their own money that they had to work for. So get your kids doing chores, and pay them for it! They'll learn how to handle money, and they'll learn how to clean toilets. They'll be great catches some day, then, won't they?

4. How can a mom know when she's truly taken on too much and say "no" to additional demands (that in and of themselves are very worthy) without feeling guilty?
That's a big conundrum for many moms today, isn't it?

The Bible verses that I base To Love, Honor and Vacuum on are Hebrews 12:1-3, and I think they help us answer this a little bit. There, it says, "let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily besets us, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus..."

There's a couple of neat things about those verses. First, see how we're supposed to put away sin and weights? In other words, there can be things keeping us from God that aren't, in and of themselves, sin. I think those things are often the "good things" in life that are very worthy, and need to be done. They're just not God's best for us right now.

A lot of us spend our lives on very good things, but not on God's best. Then what happens? We feel like we're walking in circles and never getting anywhere.

Ask God for a vision for your life. What is His best for you right now? It may be different from what He'll have for you in five years. We've always wanted to foster parent, but now's not the time. I still pray it will be one day, but right now it's not God's best for us. In a few years that may change. Maybe you can't lead that Christmas pageant next year because your mom has cancer and she needs you. That's God's best for you right now. So pray with your husband, if you can, and together ask for a vision for your family. When we pray about where God wants to take us, it's easier to say no to the very good things, that aren't necessarily where God wants us right now.

Remember, too, that God gave the world to the church to be saved. He gave your family to you in particular. We do need to be reaching out to the world, but your family is your own individual responsibility. It always comes first!

5. Are there ways in which the Christian community makes our lives more difficult, even if they don't mean to?
Have you ever noticed how much the church celebrates moms? On Mother's Day, the sermons are always about "Thank God for making moms!". On Father's Day, the sermons are more "What's wrong with you guys? You better shape up!" I really don't know why men go to church on Father's Day.

The church, though, definitely makes it seem as if being a mom is the end all and be all. And it is the most rewarding and important role we will ever have.

But what about my friends Diane and Sara, who felt miserable in their marriages and whose husbands never helped with the kids? What did the church say to them? What they felt was that simply being married and having kids should make them happy. That, indeed, is what they had longed for their whole life. And then, when they found themselves feeling taken for granted, they had nowhere to turn.

I love being a mom. I love being a wife. But those things are not always easy. We will feel exhausted, we will feel like we have no time for ourselves. We will feel resentful at times. I think we need to be able to talk about those things without feeling like we are rejecting God's will for our lives.

One other problem the church has, I think, is that they have made housework and childcare almost entirely the mom's responsibility. It wasn't always like that. One hundred and fifty years ago kids did about as much housework as mom did, and dads were busy chopping wood and making the house run, too. By always talking about moms as homemakers, and ignoring the fact that moms are more "home managers", who need to train other small ones to do the same thing, they put a lot of pressure on moms. In fact, they can even steer us inadvertently towards raising brats, rather than independent, responsible adults!

I love my church. I find a lot of encouragement there. But let's remember that we're allowed to talk about our doubts and frustrations, and we're not supposed to be the only one who knows how to use a mop. Keep that in mind, and our faith will probably grow a lot stronger!

To find more encouragement to get your kids to help at home and make your marriage less stressful, you can pick up To Love, Honor and Vacuum ($13.00) at http://www.sheilawraygregoire.com/.

WIN A BUNDLE OF SHEILA'S BOOKS! Sign up for Sheila's free weekly parenting and family ezine, and you'll be entered in a draw to win a bunch of Sheila's books and audio recordings! Sheila's Reality Check covers everything from flatulence at the dinner table to same sex marriage and the effects of divorce. Sign up by clicking on Sheila's picture to the left or at the link below the picture: http://sheilawraygregoire.com/blogtoursignupc94.php

She'll make the draw April 30.

Thanks Sheila! You are welcome back to "My Quiet Corner" any time!!