Best and Worst of Times

"It was the best of times. It was the worst of times."

You may have noticed I have not said much about the end of 2007 and the beginning of 2008. It was not my intent to neglect the fact that we passed such a milestone. It's just that this year my time for change was not dictated by a calendar, a change in the four digits applied to any given date, or the drop of a ball at midnight on one given night.

This year situations that dictated self reflection and assessment happened a couple of months before the change of the year dictated by the calendar. For me, when the page flipped on my calendar, my thoughts and emotions of the magnitude of a new way to do things in the days ahead had already been played out.

The review of my life over the past months had already taken place. My perceptions of how things were and the hard reality of those same things collided head on weeks before. The flip of the calendar ushering in the new year found my soul coming out on the other side of having already grieved a failed perception and beginning to accept reality.

I have had many "best of times" in years past. I have also had what felt like "worst of times". However, I don't know that I have ever been able to say I have had the extreme best and worst resonating from my being at the same time until the weeks preceding the end of 2007.

I found myself facing some heart wrenching things that dictated I face who I was at the deepest of my being. It was not something I was fighting for on behalf of another. It brought me to the very end of myself. It was the worst of times.

In order to make any sense out of my world and the moments in my days, I had no one and no where to turn to except God Himself. Only He could bring meaning to the confusion. Only He could provide peace in the chaos. It became the best of times.

I have spent more time in the last couple of months desperately seeking Him prostrate at His feet than I have in a long time... maybe ever. I have been in that place many times desperate on the behalf of others, but to feel so utterly lost in my own skin about my own heart, feelings and emotions.... It has been a long time, a very long time, since I have found myself in that place.

The situation that brought me down and became my "worst of times" forced me to crawl... wounded, bleeding and devastated... to the loving embrace of my Heavenly Father creating for me the "best of times".

My very being wanted nothing more than to withdraw and quit. I would sit with my Bible open in my lap desperately seeking answers and not always finding something concrete. And yet I remained... quiet, tearful and broken.

God also remained. He never left me in those moments. In fact, it was in those moments I learned I do not always need words. In those moments He would just sit with me, His loving and affirming embrace engulfing me. He did not condemn. He did not grow impatient. He did not breath deep sighs ready to move on. He sat. He was quiet. He waited. He gave me time.

When I was ready to throw the last wad of tissues away and begin the work of picking up my pieces... He was still there. It was in the moment I was ready to move on that He was ready to speak. There was work to be done but He did not rush me into it before I was ready.

The new year of my heart started before the calendars of the world changed to 2008. It started early. It was well on it's way at that one momentous moment. I did not intend to ignore the start of the new year. It's just that much had already occurred in the new year of my heart.

I invite you in the days, weeks and months to come to walk with me as I share the questions and work my own heart has faced and is facing. I will challenge you to ask those same questions of your own heart. I do not promise it will be easy. It has been far from that for me. However, if you take the time to honestly and seriously consider the questions given, I am pretty sure you won't regret it. I haven't!

So, Happy Belated New Year! I don't know about you but there has already been much that has taken place in my heart. However, there is more work to be done! Let's roll up our sleeves and get to work... together.